Mental Health - Battling Chronic Depression Since My Teens.

I can remember my hopeless and sad feelings around the ages of thirteen/fourteen that's when my other illnesses started to arrise. I remember this being a particuarly a harder time in general anyway because unfortunately i was unlucky at school, i was bullied quite heavily. I think that's what may have caused this, my home life and the friends i had around this period, i still have them now and this time was amazing. But that sadness was there because of the bullying. The school life and the bullying and the other illnesses were a step out of life for me, luckily i did have amazing friends and if i'm honest with you, the depression wasn't diagnosed then and i didn't take any forms of medications and because of the other illnesses which of course i didn't know what these were at the time and because of all of these of the events happening i didn't have tghe foggiest idea it was that. 


When the bullying was at it's worst, i was also suffering quite badly and heavily with chronic panic attacks and severe hempligeic migraines, again, i wasn't taking anything for these at the time, i was just merely coping. I felt my darker days here and there honestly, was days i'd miss weeks of school because my parents could not get me out my bed or my bedroom. I felt like i was loosing control and i felt so ailenated, i had my friends and i did see them, they did help. I didn't want to be at school, school for me was the problem, this was my hell. My living hell that i didn't want to be a part of. It did upset me though because i loved school, i'm intelligent and i'm fairly smart and i hit good grades and i wanted to go as far as i could but i lacked the grades, i'm making up for that now because i'm going to be re-studying them and making my career and my goals a living. It was such a hard time, i remember being felt with such unhappiness, to which does upset me when i really do think about it because your school life is your time, to develop as a person, to learn and to be who you want to be and this is a time i can never get back, i feel these bullies and this depression which is partly down to the bullies as well as the other illnesses but the bullies cost me these opportunities. 


Depression, for me is stages. It's events, it's thoughts, it's feelings, it's symptoms. It's a real mix opf things and it'a not always just one think you feel, you can feel these things at mutiple times all of all them together. It's absolutely draining and it's really exhausting. It's definitley one of them things that's truly hard to describe and there are days where i feel so muddled up that i'm not even convinced what it is that i'm honestly feeling. It's like i'm here, but i'm not. Like someones cares but you feel like they don't. Like you belong somewhere but you feel like you dont belong anywhere. Life-long depression as scary as that sounds also refered to as (Mild, Chronic Depression) or Dysthymia it is very much a thing. This is something that i have been battling and suffering with since my teens. I still have this now, i take medications and you know what this is totally okay. I do really believe mine is triggered my events throughout my life, particuarly harder points or when times have been hard or when the colder weather strikes. I now, have an amazing doctor that has truly helped me but a lot of dr's like mine, arent sure what causes this, genes potentially. 


I self harmed in my teens, not badly so i dont have scars but i did, it was a way of coping. I had so much going on at that period in my life that i didnt have any medications and i felt that really was my only escape, my friends knew something was wrong but as i said i had no idea what was happening to me so it wasnt like i was able to explain this to them. It really was like i had loss all control of my life and of my body. I have gained weight and i'm now in control of that, i carry my weight well and i'd not say i was big, heavy or any of these things not that theres anything wrong with this at all and perfectly normal within depression but i do feel it's one of my main factors and it does trigger the depression, combined with the anxiety, the weight bothers me a lot. Not that you're defined by your size and not that loosing the weight i have gained, i'm more uncomfortable than anything. But i do feel this will help me to feel better and will improve my health and well being. 


The NHS, Mind, Samaritains have been so helpful and god sent when i have been in my darkest days and i would highly sugest them to anyone that asks or just needs some peace of mind. You're not alone and it's the hardest thing i think i have ever had to and still do have to face on an everyday basis but there is so much help right at your fingertips.  I remember when we first saught help at the NHS and i was fourteen and it was absolutely useless, honestly. I really praise the NHS and we'd all be so lost without the service but now, there is so much help for mental health. I can't stress enough the importance of talking to someone, it's really helped me.


What are the signs and symptoms of Dysthimia? 

• Sadness or depressed mood most of the day or almost everyday. 
• Loss of enjoyment in things that were once pleasurable. 
• Major change in weight (gain or loss or more that 5% of weight within a month ) or appetite. 
• Insominia or excessive sleep almost everyday.
• Being physically restless or rundown in a way that is noticeable in others.
• Fatigue or loss of energy almost everyday.
• Problems with cocentration or making decisions almost everyday. 
• Recurring thoights of death or suicide, suicide plan or suicide attempt.  

I do take medications now that help me with day to day life, not only the depression but the other illnesses that i have, there are sone real difficuties i have daced and some really deep times in my life with the chronic depression but this is just a touch of that because some of it, i can't even talk about anymore to anyone or share online it's locked away and it was so miserable so difficult to deal with at the time and just sharing those times with you all would honestly just take me back to that hard time and it's not something i want to re-visit, it's times i want to forget, if i can. The post is to raise awareness, fight the stigma that sadly is around and a part of mental health.


If any of this post has caused upset or you've read this and related, please i cannot stress the importance of seeking help and talking up. you're not alone and there really is a lot of help and someone there to walk you through and help you, please seek that help. 


It means the world to me that you have took time out of your day to read my post, thanks again, until next time, Amy. Xx


 

2017 Wants, Goals & Musts & 2016 Reflection.

It really is beyond bonkers that 2017 is now amongst us and within our grasp, it honestly does feel like i was just putting the tree up with mum like two days ago and now, it's 2017 and it honestly scares the wits outta me with how fast the year really does fly by and it does also make you realise how important it is to make the most of the time you have and make sure you're making the time count for you and spending every last minute living and loving life. I hope you all had a wonderful new year and an amazing christmas with all your loved ones, i will have a boxing day sales haul and what i got for christmas post following shortly after this one, i absolutely love seeing those posts and videos as i'm extremely nosy but i did want to get this one up first as i adore these too, i love seeing people's goals for the new year and what they achieved last year, they're so inspirational and as i said, i'm nosey. 

before you read on, may i suggest a cuppa and some snacks because i am known to ramble..  I have lacked motivation and if i'm being honest i haven't been feeling like myself the last couple of weeks before christmas so i didn't really feel like blogging - but hey, we're all only human and to be honest, more than likely it's the new year but i do feel motivated. I'm feeling ready to tackle 2017 and this year will be MY year. Lets be having you 2017!

2016 Reflection/ Summed Up. 

2026 personally feel me feels as if i blinked and 12 months rolled by in the blink of an eye, this year was very up and down for me. If you wasn't aware i'm chronically poorly. I prefer the term poorly as to ill, poorly to me gives me hope of getting better. This year i was diagnosed which was amazing, emotional and a rollercoaster all at the same time, i have been poorly for a long time since my teens, it was a huge relief to finally get some answers believe me, i do intend on doing a blog post about this at some point. 

I got a new job, i finally found my feet with this i feel - trying to work and being chronically poorly isn't something i find easy, it's definately taught me a lot in terms of balance and trying to maintain a healthy, normal life in balance with an illness. it's still the most difficult thing in the world but as everyday rises this challenge is there, i hope with time it'll be come easier, we have to hope. 

I went Vegan! Again, this hasn't been easy, it's not something i took on light hearted. It's something i made a commitment too. I have struggled in some aspects such as foods i use to love before and such. I have found my feet with this now and can say overall as i have embarked on this journey, i have become a more compassionate person and has overall made me more spritual, more loving and happier. It's really powerful and it's by far one of the best things i have ever done - i'm now one year meat/diary free. 

Myself, personally this year in many ways. I have found my mental health has been tested, hugely. It's been a tough year in a lot of ways and areas i'm thankful however because it's challenged me and there are times admitely where i've almost thrown the towel in and thought 'I can't do this' But i have pushed through and i'm glad i have. It's cost me a lot where Anxiety has held me back but in others it's also sparked me to enjoy life. 

Friendship.  I have lost this year with friendships but i have also gained many too and i have also found myself getting in touch with friends that i have had before but we didn't talk a lot or hadn't spoken in a long time. It's taught me a lot about chasing and making the effort and what meaning of friendship truly is and what it means to be someones friend. 

Luna, this year i got a puppy! She's no longer a puppy but she's so dinky and cute i do often still think of her that way. What an amazing adventure having her has been! I regret nothing with getting her, in fact i think i may become a crazy dog lady. Luna is my best friend and she too, has helped to make me into the person i believe i have came throughout the year. 

2017 Goals / Resolutions & Musts!

Looking After Myself / Putting ME first.  This is a very important one for me, the type of person that i am (not that there is anything wrong with this) but i love seeing everyone happy, if everyone else is happy that makes me happy in return but i do find, sometimes i will base everything on this and it's about time i start thinking of my own happiness and really think of me before, be a little selfish in terms of i. Myself needs to come first more, with everything i do, in all aspects of life. I need to really learn to say no and not worry about the outcome of this, i do too much sometimes and suffer.

I want to look after myself properly, i want to eat healthier, look after myself better, take care of number one and tone top these thighs, stay away from the sugar Amy!

Illnesses/ Seeking Proper Help & Sorting These.  Again, something very important. I'm going to seek help for my Anxiety, i know it can't be gone forever but i can learn to manage it and stop this from holding me back so much so i can live life to how i want to live it and how it should be lived. In terms of pain i want to seek help with learning to cope with this or finding other methods instead of medications.

Hobbies / College & Studying. It took me the longest jouney after leaving school of knowing what it was i wanted to do or who i wanted to be. What career path was for me, i had subjects etc that i loved but i really needed to live life and experience and grow into the person i am today, before knowing all of this. I know now, i fully intend on studying again and for a long time too my illnesses held me back, not this year, this year will be my year. 

I also want to spend more time with my hobbies, embracing them. I do have talents and i need to embrace those and spend more time embarking on them & Blogging more. 

Here's a collection of my favourite photos from 2016. 

Adventures / More Plans With Family & Friends. I really want this year to be about this, I want more plans for me and my friends. Even if that's just being spent having a few wines in a pub or brief meetings for coffee. After, loosing my Nan it taught me a lot about just how precious it is to be amongst your loved ones and be with them. 

I also want this year to be filled with lots of adventures and that does include seeing the world - no anxiety holding me back this time!

Here goes to 2017!

FINDING YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE & WORTH

It can be so easy to fall into that rut, the not liking yourself rut. Where everything gets on top of you rut, where you hate how you look rut, every damn little thing gets you feeling down rut - I know, just how difficult that can be, I wasn't always as confident as I am now, I use to be this shy, closed in, timid little thing. This is coming from someone who spent their secondary school years being bullied by the other girls in my year, constant nit-picking at the way you look on an every day basis isn't easy to shake off let me tell you. This use to effect me in so many ways you couldn't even imagine, I'd be weary of crowds out of fear of being judged. It's not easy to pick yourself back up when something like this happens, sadly to say it massively played a part in my low self esteem and lack of confidence issues for sure, if not being the major culprit.




One day however after crying in the toilet's, I decided enough was enough and I didn't want to be this timid, shy, feeling like I wasn't good enough or I wasn't going to achieve. I gave up on these feelings, I decided I wanted to stand taller and be someone I can happy to see staring back at the mirror. - Even having Anxiety issues, I still wanted to not be held back. When you realize people are putting you down because they want to see you fall and out of jealously, once you learn that, you'll then start to think why should I give them that satisfaction? You're just you, I am just me, this is who you are. You should never ever have to change to please someone else, if they tell you to do so elimate that from your life, you don't need toxic people like this if someone really appreciates you for you, you wont have too. “One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.”  - Micheal J Fox.







Sometimes all it takes is just simple changes, steps if you wish. I found these really helpful if i'm honest it's time to find you, be you and embrace how incredible you are, praise yourself and love you for you.





stop comparing yourself  Lets be honest here, we're all guilty of this. I use to do this so much to the point where i'd physically and emotionally feel so awful about myself, looks, the way my body was, allsorts of things if i'm honest, even the daftest. We don't see other peoples flaws, the things they don't like about themselves just the good things resulting in of course, us seeing our worst bits and pieces or the things about ourselves that we don't like this then leaving us in the crummiest of moods as the inevitable of 'putting our selves down in comparing' we're then left with despair. It's difficult with every day life, adverts and social media etc thinking we have to look a certain way, act or be the 'skinner girl not the curvy one' you can strive for those things though, if you've seen an image and you want to work towards something, it's a goal of yours then you go for that. Or simply, honestly your body, your image, you in general, you're brilliant and start to believe that. Just reject those feelings of wanting to compare you to someone else, by the way i'm not just saying it can just be an image you can compare yourself too, it can be anything.




Celebrate You. This is so important, this really helped me and it still does. We're all different and you life is yours, and yours alone. You can do as you please - it was designed to be lived by anyone else. You don't have to be like anyone else or pretend to be someone your not. You also don't need to be accepted by anyone else in order to be you either, don't forget the important things like your talents, the things you're good at, the things that you love and the things that make you, you. Things like thinking you're no good or you don't do what that person does or the higher in the job role, things such as these can really hold you back stop you from wanting to shine it can even hold you back wanting to learn something or apply for that certain job role, talking from experience I have done this, many times. I simply now, embrace what i'm good at, love what I do and have confidence in them, you'll go far, kids.




Focus on nothing but the good. This one is something I have struggled with the most definitely, I have anxiety and I think it's so, so easy to just see the negatives and get into that cycle of then feeling bad, low, down and upset and that spur of bad thinking leading onto another way of seeing the issue or issues again and again, when simply just try and see it in a good way, pick apart that bad thought and think ' just because I have a bad day doesn't mean tomorrow will be bad' etc. Be your own centre of attention, stop dwelling and think positive. It's easy once you've done it a few times, I personally keep a diary as sad as that may sound, I will tell myself well done when I have had a good day or something good as happened. Self compassion never hurt anyone my deer's.




learn from the past or mistakes.  Life was never suppose to be you successfully being able to just master every single task. I'd get so upset when I couldn't do something, driving lessons being an example of this, I don't know why we just get so beat up when we fail, or I. But that's just life, i'd then feel so bad afterwards because when doing the task, steering whatever it was again I did it, mistakes are vital. We learn from them we need them in our lives. It helps to motivate us and to help us. ' if at first you don't succeed try, try again' you have all the time you need, life isn't going anywhere and neither are you.





Helping someone. This is so great, it really shows your worth and really does prove to you that you are important it gives us the realization that we do make a difference. Just sitting down with your friend having a cuppa and helping them in their time of need, I help my mum around the house and she really appreciates the extra hand to help and tells me just how helpful I have been. I love helping other people, in fact I try to be there for my friends, boyfriend, anyone if they need it. In return all these people are there for I when I need a shoulder or a strong drink after a hard, emotional day. You may just make yourself feel awesome.






Have dreams, goals, wants and wishes. I have challenged myself so much on my journey to finding my worth and building my confidence, these 4 things make such a difference even if you're like myself or not in that being chronically poorly and just saying to myself, today I will go out and live life. Then doing exactly that is awesome, yes i'll award that, i'll tell myself '' good for me '' or again, like me, suffer with anxiety and that's stopped you from filling off your wanty list.. anyone else have a list of things you want to do? just me?
It's such a great motivator and really warrants you into challenging yourself and achieving so many incredible things, I have things completely bonkers that maybe wont happen but I feel so good for having these aspirations and dreams and goals Id love, intend and hope that'll happen, it's amazing when they do.







Love your weaknesses. These 'weaknesses' make you, you and make you human. I lived by these for so long i'm chronically ill, I have anxiety, i'm not good at this' etc, etc the amount you can think up is crazy. But these made me feel like I wasn't perfect, I had to go by these weaknesses make me lack confidence and really effecting my self esteem massively and ironically making me feel more unwell and triggering yet more anxiety - of course no body is perfect, we all, like you and I have these weaknesses. Accepting them for what they are is the biggest step, I have accepted mine now and when I do fail i'm not phased because im no longer caught out by them, they are me, they make me and make me human.




Circle of support // know you're loved. This has massively played such a part in my life, i'm sometimes left with feeling of being a bad friend because of my illness per say and I cannot hang out with them or where I have had to cancel before on plans and just end up feeling like crummy. I use to find letting people In and opening up to them and letting them see my heart daunting, terrifying and scary and when you think about that, that isn't ridiculous because that is a big thing. Having someone that loves you for all you are, flaws, warts and all. Everything is incredible. If that's a friend, family, partner whoever that may be. It's a real self-confidence builder - just a simple '' you'll do great today ''  or  '' you look great '' makes such a change, you leave that house with a smile, you're set up. Its also really builds you up.






Of course I still get down days, of course I do, i'm only human like you. It's easy to instantly think negatively and not see any good in yourself. Self confidence and knowing your worth is what makes you want to push yourself and challenge yourself into making your dreams // goals and wants a reality. I hope this helps some of you, I know it can take a while to be able to build your confidence but myself, I started small and then built myself up now I feel happy in my own skin, this is who I am. I only get one body, one mind etc I should embrace what I have. Embrace my skills, embrace my talents and be comfortable in my own skin.

Life Rambles | Getting A Puppy, Mental Health & Chronic Ilness.

okay, okay let's address the elephant in the room. It's been a long old time since I sat down at my laptop and tapped away at my keys, hello loves. I don't even know where to begin, but If you'd like to continue to read onwards i'd get a cup of tea in one hand. I love that aspect of the bloggery-world that you can just sit down and share to your hearts content - It's really therapeutic for me to be honest. It's nice to have that space on the interwebs to just sit down and type away. I really think it's very important to share somewhat personal-ish parts because it's nice for your readers to see your not a robot, i'd love to say it's all good and positive days but sadly this is the real world and it's not like that, there's just as many tough, down and difficult days believe me, for one that's been a common occurance. I think I put way too much pressure on myself when I was in the swing on my bloggery-ways. But I do that, I much better now but at first when I started this journey - I love blogging, going away really made me sort of think and re-evaluate what I wanted to post, now i'm going to be focussing on everything and anything. I never really had a time frame either of how many times I wanted to upload a week, now I have a idea and I feel like i'm more structured, I've notebook filled with posts - keep your peepers pen and ready - I just also, wanted to thank you for comments and for following and baring with! - it's really, honestly appreciated. If you have any ideas on what you'd like too see please feel free to let me know, that'll be awesome. It's a lovely little hobby that I intend to keep :)



Luna-bear - the best little puppy in the world.

Luna was a surprise, a present from the most loveliest boyfriend. She's 6 months now, if you're interested i'm happy to post updates and such on her. You'll fall in love with her just as much as I am - she's so wonderful, loving, affectionate and honestly i'm smitten. She's really impacted my life in such an incredibly, amazingly way. I'm so thankful for her.


As you can imagine a lot of my time has been spent, on regular visits to the vets, walkies in the park, showing her off to everyone, she gets so much attention I think she gets annoyed with it aha she's great though, happy to lick and play bite anyone who crosses her path. It's insane to think just how much she's grown, she's the smallest out of her litter and she definitely still is very little, I think she'll stay little too, even when she gets older, I absolutely love smaller dogs myself so this is perfect. I called her Luna after Luna Lovegood, ok.. laugh if you must. I just had too, she's one of my faves.



She's a mixed-breed, Jack Russell-Cross. Her favourite things include sitting on my lap or her daddy's with her head out the window, sleeping between us in bed, cuddling up next to me, watching people and cars walking past and many many more completely adorable little traits - she really has helped me lots and has really completed our life's.

just look at that little face of hers I just want to squeeze her tehe

Mental Health & Chronic Illness.

Mental Health unfortunately, has been a huuuuge part of my life since I was fourteen. Panic attacks were the absolute bane of my life for a long long time, I seeked help eventually, they really are still horrendously terrifying I do still suffer just not as much on a much milder scale, which is incredible and I thank my body for allowing me this - I remember those days in school being curled up in the medical room waiting for my mum to pick me up and take me home, being absolutely clueless as to what was going on. I did a post on Panic Attacks, if you'd like to read that.


During the months where I wasn't blogging, I had an absolutely vile time with Anxiety, again, something sadly I've dealt with for as long as I can remember. I also took time out and seeked help for this - I changed doctors, had medical this and that and various other bits and pieces and I eventually found an incredible doctor that found out what was exactly going on, overwhelmingly from what I just coped with for what honestly is and felt like a lifetime, I had actually been suffering with conditions such as GAD, Fibromyalgia & Chronic Fatigue Syndrome / M.E - I'm so thankful I changed my doctors, seeked further help. In my opinion, get a second opinion - always! Just to briefly sum up, I constantly felt tired, but tired to the extent where I physically felt like I couldn't do anything - hit a wall almost as some other sufferers would describe it. I'd ached constantly, like a flu ache or like I had walked miles upon miles, I never had any energy, constantly in pain. I just remember feeling like this for what felt like a whole lifetime to which my previous doctors just said it was anxiety, annoyingly I just accepted that.



Although, I just knew something just wasn't quite right, I shouldn't of been feeling that much unwell, that much pain etc. I feel like i'm an old lady trapped inside of a 24 year old's body. I still live life, I don't let this illness stop me unless of course there's a day where I practically felt really, really bad and I needed to rest. I just listen to my body and know what my triggers are etc - I'm now under going a pain course to deal with the pain.



Right now, i'm such a good place - i'm very happy. I'm so grateful for all my incredibly amazingly support circle too, my boyfriend especially has been so good :)

Bourton On The Water

Happy Thursday lovers, it's almost the weekend! I thought i'd do something a little different this week and yesterday we took a little trip to BirdLand, Bourton On The Water. I absolutely loved it, it;s such a cute little pokey place and one i'd describe as attracting many the tourist it's actually quite close to where i live and wasn't a long journey but was such a lovely, cute little place. We actually went to see the Birds, in BirdLand. But we did do a little sight seeing and stopped of for some fish and chips, it's only a small village but had this sea sidey feel to it although it's not a sea side town at all, the shops we're so quaint and cute also, i would've spent a fortune if i hadn't been so restrained - here's what we got up to: Fish & Chips, Sight Seeing, Penguins, Flamingos, Being Whistled At by Parrots, Pink Flamingos, Freezing, Spending & Bonding. 



What a cute little old place this is, i love villages and you'll find me wondering for hours about it's history and what not so for those nerds like myself that may find this interesting it's a little roman town and has River WindRush running through it :) I've taken some pictures below, I've rated this a 9/10 also, i recommend it :) BirdLand it's self was lovely to walk around, one for friends and family although i don't think it;s one for children but i absolutely love penguins, so much so i loved that about the place! :) 

(These two were taken from Google) 

A Whole Lot Of Personal.. Depression.

Like my panic attack post I composed, again - I knew I wanted to share my story involving depression as hard and daunting task this may be, I have personally found how helpful and just how much a weight is lifted when a problem is shared, I know how helpful I found stories, posts and even watching people speak about anxiety and depression - this gave me so much hope and really helped to widen my eyes to what these illnesses are and what they can involve - i'd just like to quickly say, this is very hard for me to confess, it takes a lot of confidence and strength to share things like this as it's so personal - knowing that this is something I feel can often be overlooked, judged and hard to understand it is something I know a lot of people have faced, do face on a regular day to day basis and know someone who has gone through this if that being a friend, a member of your family or you, yourself personally - Even if this helps just one person, that's my job done to be honest, I have to admit having heard of such an amazing talented man stolen away from this, depression can effect us all - it can happen to those you love, friends, nans - everyone.


I don't feel like depression, anxiety and panic attacks or any mental health issues are spoken about enough, i'm not ashamed to admit that I've had depression nor am I ashamed to say I have had panic attacks, I do get them and I do have anxiety, I probably will still get panic attacks for the rest of my life, I've accepted that.
I really feel like when this is shared, it's so lovely when you can relate, be there for someone who has suffered or does suffer with the same mental illnesses as you - it really restores my faith in the human population when everyone comes together in times of need to help, offer support and even show an understanding into what mental illnesses really are and how people like myself are faced with on a daily basis of their life's and the impact it can have on someone's life - as I have already said, I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but this is incredibly personal as I will be sharing my story involving this subject.






It's something that really honestly pulls on my heart strings and i'm now in a place where i can share my mental illness, or illnesses i should say - i have over read this post again and again in my head to try and make some form of sense about something that is so important and did become such a big part of life.




 Believe it or not, the word ' Depression' is used on an every day basis, people can often say ' i'm depressed' but what they probably mean is i'm fed up, upset because they've failed an exam, had a row or lost their job. Up's and down's in my opinion are what makes us human, it's common and very normal to have those feelings and most people can recover from this, pick themselves up. Depression however, it isn't that easy - your mood is affected, your low and you feel low and other symptoms occur everyday for at least two-weeks or more. This, can become that severe that it can affect everyday life, day to day activities and you as a person, 1 - 4 adults suffer with this and any other mental illness, however i really find there to be a lacking in system of support, advice and all these things that a person needs.






epression & Myself: Leading up to when I was actually diagnosed from my doctor, saying I had depression or that I was in-fact depressed - I was having a lot of trouble with anxiety, I was getting panic attacks on the regular, pretty much every other day. I hadn't been in the job I was in around this time for too long, decent enough, I had a particular tough day as I had been up super early. Now, I don't know if it were the same shifts worked on a pattern for three days or that they were early ones or what caused this, I had the most horrific panic attack to date, i'd still rate this as my worst if not one of. It was absolutely awful, people were panicking around me and I was just so scared, after this horrible event was over. Hours later I felt so withdrawn, so tired, lacking energy but I felt different from how i'd normally feel after one.


Days after I was due back into work, I then suffered another panic attack - this was it for me, I was so withdrawn, I barely ate - I then began to feel too scared to return back to work, ashamed and embarrassed I figured i'd be judged, hated and picked on for what had happened, the rumours made this a hell for me to return, I suffered with finding the easiest of everyday tasks hard, like getting out of bed to dressing myself I was too scared to be alone, I needed someone with me always, I just couldn't bare to be left on my own. It began to get a lot harder, I didn't eat I couldn't sleep I spent most days lead in bed crying into my partners arms or my mothers, they took me to doctors where I had to fill out a form in which I won't go into too much detail with some of the questions, as it frankly still shocks me with some of the answers I gave. I had lost two stone, I was tired, I was so withdrawn, i had this constant headache that just never left, I've always been quite this shy person to be honest so talking about how i felt was bloody difficult, i remember just nodding or my boyfriend doing the talking for me, depression is very hard to deal with, it takes control of your mind and body, it's an unbelievable hard thing to overcome and it does still life's - sadly, i dread to say but i'm sharing my truths, it might of taken mine too if i hadn't had such an amazing doctor, partner and mother who held my hand every step and helped me to fight this, i spent most of time of course with my partner who took time out of his world, his job to be there for me 100%, twenty four seven.



There's no shame in needing help, i needed the medication to help me as i was too weak to fight such a thing alone, i don't find this anything for me to feel ashamed about, without it i'd of not done it. - I did find the pills very high as sadly i needed a high dosage, they did make me worse as most tablets tend to do and most of the time i felt like i was in a bubble, floating around feeling unimportant and useless, isolated but as much as i wanted to be i was never left alone, i did eventually overcome this sadly, not everyone can. It took me a good year and the odd month to fully feel like i can venture out on my own, deal with life again and to feel safe and happy in myself, when i was told  had it i felt nothing, now i feel everything.





I can't stress enough how important talking about things really is, sharing and crying - get it out of your system. I held so much inside and eventually i just burst, like a walking time bomb. If you ever feel like you may have this, make a doctors appointment and honestly, remember you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, you'll be so amazed at what you can overcome - if i need to talk, if i'm upset i do exactly i'll cry, nower days i'm that girl, i'm a crier. I even remember the doctors telling me how good this is for your body, if you need to let go of emotions, do exactly that, if any of you, anyone. Ever needs to talk, i'd happily listen to you, it's OK to talk about this.

I did find some links myself when i faced this journey that helped:

Mind 
You Tube
Time To Change



If you'd like to see what I've to say about panic attacks and anxiety here's that post Panic Attacks - My email is aimzyoakley98@gmail, so if you ever need to talk don't hold back, love you lovelies, remember you're normal, it's OK to talk xoxo

Simply, The Best.

Aaaw, Happy Dad day to all your daddy's -  i truly hope you've all had a wonderful day with him and you and him have smiled loads. I've had the nicest time with mine, it's funny how you don't think much of this day when you're younger to now when you're in your twenties, yes that's very scary let me tell you. I don't know where i'd be without mine, we're such a close family anyway - it's absolutely lovely and i'd not wish for us to be any less close than we are. My parents are still very much the same as they were when i was growing up, yes my dad still tells me my skirts too short, not that i wear them ha! I think that's nice though, i love the whole protective thing - he definitely is, a big protective bear, today's been special nevertheless, we didn't exactly do much but dad likes it that way, he never really likes a fuss, bless him - i tower over him now though and that's kinda sad, but i still love him so much, i brought him two cd's and some other bits, yes i know cd's but he's old-school my dad - they're rock and roll and sadly, i'll be singing along until i regret buying him them. 

                     

I think sometimes i take him for granted, wind him up - but i love him, he's very short but he's the cutest and i love how close we are, i simply think he's the best man ever. I love you dad. 

Panic Attacks.

I need to firstly stress just how emotional, how fearful and just how scary this post is to write. It's taking me so much courage to sit and talk to you all especially to share my story with you all and to the rest of the world. It's a post i knew i always, always wanted to compose ever since i started up my blog, i didn't want to be just a beauty blog and i do fully intend on doing other lifestyle related posts especially on subjects like this, i to happen to suffer with and now know a great deal about. I know, just how much things like this helped me and still do, it's a load off to know so many other people do also suffer with this and that you're not alone and are, in fact very normal, i remember feeling so overwhelmed when i discovered it wasn't just me and that it's not all in my head or that i'm not dying, i'm not mental and there's really nothing wrong with me, i'm fine and i'm just human. 



In general i know you may not even get anxiety or suffer with panic attacks, but you could know someone who does a friend, or a relative or even your boyfriend or girlfriend. This, well for me i always find it so helpful and reassuring hearing something from someone who knows something well, so this may help you to know what they feel like, are experiencing or even having to cope with at the time - If you do, like me suffer with anxiety and panic attacks then this i hope, will help you - in many ways, lets hope. This is going to be a long old post and i do apologize for that, but it's something that's not light on the old keyboard, so before i begin i just wanted to stress that, it's going to be a very detailed post so do forgive me for that, but the more you know on something is not a bad thing let me tell you. 




Ok, So What Is Anxiety? Anxiety, Often triggered by stress can effect our whole being, it can effect how we feel to even how we behave making us feel very vulnerable. It's incredibly un-settling most of the time when i'm anxious i'll feel like i'm having a panic attack, when i'm really not as the symptoms are very real, It's very associated with fear but we know what we're fearing but not so sure what and why we're anxious, We're all get this, some more than others of course. Anxiety comes from worrying, well in my case as i'm a huge worrier. Some anxiety is useful because like feeling nervous before a job interview or before a hair cut as it makes us more alert and if you're about to sit an exam it can help with your performance during that exam which obviously isn't a bad thing. It effect's your whole body and your mind too, it can be very scary and very intense some people can get different spurges of anxiety and feel scared, nervous and other's will just be experiencing the milder side from having a stressful day at the office or something and will be able to calm themselves down and go on as normal, others however, like me can then go onto having a panic attack. 



I often find that anxiety creeps up on you, it catches you out when you least expect it to happen to you. It's like being hit by a car as it's so intense it catches you with surprise. It's an awful emotion to feel and although it lies in all of us even if you think it doesn't to you, it does. It just effects us all in different ways. 




The ' Fight Or Flight' Reflex? You may have heard of this term, you may not have. Anxiety and fear aren't always awful as they do in fact protect you from dangerous situations - When your feeling under threat the anxiety and fear trigger releases hormones and adrenaline is released. This causes your heart to beat faster and to carry blood where it's needed, you breathe faster to provide the extra oxygen required for energy. 

The sweating you do is to prevent our-self from over-heating. Mouth's feeling dry because our digestive slows down to allow more blood to be sent to our muscles - our brains also becomes more alert and senses are enlightened. These changes are body amazingly makes are to make our body able to take action and protect us during a dangerous situation either by running away or flighting thus being named the Fight Or Flight Reflex. 





Ok, What Is A Panic Attack?: I can only describe these as a feeling of dying, it's horrible but it's honestly how they make you feel - A Panic Attack Is a exaggeration of fear, stress or excitement. It's a very intense, scary time of build ups of a pounding heart-beat, trembling, shaking, sweating and cold and hot flushes, headaches sickness, stomach cramps, pins and needles, numbness - they're the worst things in the world. 


Although they only last a short while and reach their peak within 10 minutes, i can honestly tell you from experience they feel like hours! And that's because, you can have re-incurring ones that come on again, again and again when in reality they're 5-10 minutes long - Some people, i'm so very jealous may only ever get one or as i like to call bursts of not being able to breathe etc, a mini. Once in their life's and never ever get another panic attack, others like me or you can get them once a month, twice a week, twice a day. 


Panic Attacks, can happen at any time - even in the night or in the very middle of the night. I find these have always happened if my brain is on high alert of if i'm anxious beforehand. Again, down to anxiety the brain detects this and interpets as a sign of danger when in fact, no you're not in danger, it's not a dangerous situation you're led in bed, safe. Night Time attacks are the most frightening ones, as you're half asleep or you're tired, you're even more confused and dazed and helpless to of seen them coming or know when they are.

'I'm walking into town, then the earth shifts to one side, my heart's hammering as if it's about to explode, i'm feeling sick, i'm scared, what's happening to me, my vision is blurred my hands are sticky with sweat'


As well as the intensity of not being able to catch your breath, you can also experience the following symptoms all of these being absolutely physical, you might not get all of these but you may get some but to show you what happens to us, or the person you know that sufferers. 


- Rapid Heartbeat
- Trembling. 
- Sweating, Sweaty Palms & Feet.
- Hot Flushes Then Cold Flushes.
- Numbness Of Hands, Feet & Sometimes The Left Or Right Hand Side Of Your Body. 
- Blurred Vision. 
- Feeling Sick.
- Butterflies In Your Stomach. 
- Pins & Needles.
- Ringing In Your Ears.
- Feeling Faint Or Dizzy.
- Feeling Like You're Going To Die.
- Feeling Like You're Not With It.




What's Your Experience With Them? This is what i've been dreading the most, this is very very personal and quite scary to be honest with you guys. I have suffer with Anxiety & Panic Attacks for 9 whole years, my first one being when i was just fourteen. I can quite place my first ever panic attack, i think where i was so young, scared that i moved on quite quickly and use to forget all about them, or something. 


I do remember times of having them, some of my earliest memories of panic attacks were my school years - i was heavily bullied at school, for everything. I remember constantly being scared and fearful then, even at fourteen years old - Being sat in the school medical room waiting to be collected by my mother, my palms being sweaty and my head thumping and feeling like i was going to throw up, having blurred vision just wanting to be okay, for this to go away being scared wondering what was going on, why was this happening. 


When i have a panic attack, i instantly know what's happening, i then panic to high heavens and i do scare easily anyway, even now at twenty three i tell you they're just as frightening as when i was fourteen. I cry, scream and sometimes i'll think, ' am i dying?' I wouldn't wish panic attacks on my very worst enermy, they're not nice, they're absolutely vile. 

My heads thumping, my hearts racing and i feel like i'm going to throw up but i can't my eyes are streaming with tears, my hands are sweaty, i can't feel the one side of my face, i'm scared - these are just some of the things i have said, or felt during a panic attack. I can't cope, and i tell you i end up feeling absolutely drained afterwards and there isn't a time where i don't think, argh when are you going to happen again. 



My First Ever Panic Attack: I'm not sure what actually triggered my panic attack this day, i remember it being a normal day - although, i could be wrong as bullying for me was a constant factor in my life. I remember being sat in a french lesson, i was sat towards the back of the classroom next to my best friend without a doubt. I remember beginning to feel nervous, butterflies were in my tummy. This over whelming urge came over me where my whole body began to shake, it was strange - terrifying. I wanted to run but i felt physically unable to move - fear or flight - I began to hyperventilate, i remember crying and my friend, i don't remember what she said to my teacher but i felt her lift me out of my seat, everyone had noticed and were staring and whispering amognst themselves, pointing - i felt, silly, embarrassed and frightened, i didn't know what was happening, i was scared. I think i tried to talk but i physically couldn't - the whole side of my face felt numb, i had blurred vision and as we left the classroom i lifted my hand up to feel my face, it felt heavy and like it wasn't mine, i remember struggling to walk, and feeling numb in my leg and limping almost. Crying with absolute fear, of feeling hot and cold and scared, i was seated in the nurses office. 

What felt like hours and hours, sat there on my own - little check ups now and then. Alone, scared my mother turning up and carrying me out explaining to me that my dad, gets them. I remember, feeling like this for the rest of the day into the early hours, i think i had several attacks that night, sat up with my mum hours later with migraines, i did eventually discover that my dad and my family have all had these, it's probably just in my family or something - i promise you now, although i might to get them this bad, i still scare like this and they do sometimes go on for hours, i do experience all of the same symptoms. 




What Does Carl Do? Or My Parents Do, Or My Family? Like i told you, this wasn't going to a brief post, Carl is my boyfriend - he's fully aware of what happens, what i'm experiencing and how i'm feeling when i'm having a panic attack. Carl, importantly doesn't smoother me, there isn't anything worse - although it's obvious he won't make it obvious that i'm having a panic attack, it's horrible and i've had people pointing and saying it, i don't think there's anything worse than that, i'm already aware that it's happening. 


He'll get me a cold glass of water, food - i can't always eat or drink it but sometimes it can help. He'll be there with plenty of support, hugs and space. I can sometimes sleep it off, not always - rare. So he'll put me into bed, we'll sometimes go for a drive, the fresh air can help me and can take me out of the situation i'm already in, that's wonderful - If, my leg isn't numb, most time i do get numbness, we'll go for a walk - so good. 


My Parents, are too - wonderful. They're so helpful, it's so nice and reasuring knowing my dad has them, obviously isn't so good i don't like him getting them, but he can sit down with me and he'll talk me through and make sure i know that i'm going to be fine, 'he's always fine after one. It's only for a short space of time etc'. It's so helpful, he'll hold my hand as will carl and just reasure me, having someone there is so nice, it's never good to be alone during a panic attack as you're not with it, dazed and sometimes - it's never happened to me, but i know people who have passed out during a panic attack. 




After Thoughts & Physiological Effects: Panic Attacks are very draining, they take so much energy and for weeks i've felt tired, drained and it takes a lot to be ok again afterwards even in your mind, i have been and honestly even now, at twenty three fearful, i'll sometimes be on edge, i'll be overwhelmed, weepy and sometimes dependent on other people, i know i was. 

It also stays with you, I feel for me my brain stored this information and every attack i've had, now i can't shake them and will probably get them my whole life. I would worry so much, about everything - i can't say i'd avoid things, i don't think i ever did. Rides, are the only thing that spurs to mind, like roller coasters that go upside down, they truly freak me out - I'd struggle to cope, i'd think when's my next one? Am i okay, what's wrong with me etc? I did however, develop an illness though this - sadly, that was depression. I don't think i ever had a disorder, which you can get. 


I had several attacks before i went to the doctors, they were happening a lot, in the bath, at work - everywhere. I knew something was up, as they weren't ever that often. I don't want to go into too much detail as again this even more personal than the panic attacks so I'll keep this brief. But it's so possible for depression, panic disorders or anxiety orders to happen as it can take over you, it's sometimes very get difficult to cope with, I won't lie. I'm all okay now, but it happens. 

I've previously mentioned about the physical symptoms. When I feel a panic attack coming on or a huge sudden burst of anxiety. I quickly think, right calm down. You're okay, just breathe. If it's a bad panic attack or what I think will be. I'll take myself away from the situation I'm in completely, I'll go for a walk, drive or even try to stick a film on or something. Although, the symptoms can still be happening and you'll be still having a panic attack I've personally found once you control your breathing and remember to not panic as this does, it's so hard not too - but it makes it worse and will make I longer. In my personal experience I've found once you do that. It seems to make the time of having one shorter and less tramatic. 

I always panic once one comes on, I think 'oh no, I'm dying' but I'm not, the symptoms are so intense that honestly you'd be surprised how many forums I've read where people have said those exact words. I think I just think, it's just a panic attack, let it get on with It and it'll go away, it's not you dying you're fine really and you're perfectly normal and you're going to be perfectly fine. 


I need to stress that just because you may get panic attacks you're still human, you're still normal, you're very healthy! You're also not alone. It's actually so common and I remember being so overwhelmed when I had heard that my own dad did to suffer and that people on his side of our family had and do! It's not you, it's just how your body and mind work, if you ever ever need anyone to talk to about this then please feel free to message me.