I can remember my hopeless and sad feelings around the ages of thirteen/fourteen that's when my other illnesses started to arrise. I remember this being a particuarly a harder time in general anyway because unfortunately i was unlucky at school, i was bullied quite heavily. I think that's what may have caused this, my home life and the friends i had around this period, i still have them now and this time was amazing. But that sadness was there because of the bullying. The school life and the bullying and the other illnesses were a step out of life for me, luckily i did have amazing friends and if i'm honest with you, the depression wasn't diagnosed then and i didn't take any forms of medications and because of the other illnesses which of course i didn't know what these were at the time and because of all of these of the events happening i didn't have tghe foggiest idea it was that.
When the bullying was at it's worst, i was also suffering quite badly and heavily with chronic panic attacks and severe hempligeic migraines, again, i wasn't taking anything for these at the time, i was just merely coping. I felt my darker days here and there honestly, was days i'd miss weeks of school because my parents could not get me out my bed or my bedroom. I felt like i was loosing control and i felt so ailenated, i had my friends and i did see them, they did help. I didn't want to be at school, school for me was the problem, this was my hell. My living hell that i didn't want to be a part of. It did upset me though because i loved school, i'm intelligent and i'm fairly smart and i hit good grades and i wanted to go as far as i could but i lacked the grades, i'm making up for that now because i'm going to be re-studying them and making my career and my goals a living. It was such a hard time, i remember being felt with such unhappiness, to which does upset me when i really do think about it because your school life is your time, to develop as a person, to learn and to be who you want to be and this is a time i can never get back, i feel these bullies and this depression which is partly down to the bullies as well as the other illnesses but the bullies cost me these opportunities.
Depression, for me is stages. It's events, it's thoughts, it's feelings, it's symptoms. It's a real mix opf things and it'a not always just one think you feel, you can feel these things at mutiple times all of all them together. It's absolutely draining and it's really exhausting. It's definitley one of them things that's truly hard to describe and there are days where i feel so muddled up that i'm not even convinced what it is that i'm honestly feeling. It's like i'm here, but i'm not. Like someones cares but you feel like they don't. Like you belong somewhere but you feel like you dont belong anywhere. Life-long depression as scary as that sounds also refered to as (Mild, Chronic Depression) or Dysthymia it is very much a thing. This is something that i have been battling and suffering with since my teens. I still have this now, i take medications and you know what this is totally okay. I do really believe mine is triggered my events throughout my life, particuarly harder points or when times have been hard or when the colder weather strikes. I now, have an amazing doctor that has truly helped me but a lot of dr's like mine, arent sure what causes this, genes potentially.
I self harmed in my teens, not badly so i dont have scars but i did, it was a way of coping. I had so much going on at that period in my life that i didnt have any medications and i felt that really was my only escape, my friends knew something was wrong but as i said i had no idea what was happening to me so it wasnt like i was able to explain this to them. It really was like i had loss all control of my life and of my body. I have gained weight and i'm now in control of that, i carry my weight well and i'd not say i was big, heavy or any of these things not that theres anything wrong with this at all and perfectly normal within depression but i do feel it's one of my main factors and it does trigger the depression, combined with the anxiety, the weight bothers me a lot. Not that you're defined by your size and not that loosing the weight i have gained, i'm more uncomfortable than anything. But i do feel this will help me to feel better and will improve my health and well being.
The NHS, Mind, Samaritains have been so helpful and god sent when i have been in my darkest days and i would highly sugest them to anyone that asks or just needs some peace of mind. You're not alone and it's the hardest thing i think i have ever had to and still do have to face on an everyday basis but there is so much help right at your fingertips. I remember when we first saught help at the NHS and i was fourteen and it was absolutely useless, honestly. I really praise the NHS and we'd all be so lost without the service but now, there is so much help for mental health. I can't stress enough the importance of talking to someone, it's really helped me.
What are the signs and symptoms of Dysthimia?
- Sadness or depressed mood most of the day or almost everyday.
- Loss of enjoyment in things that were once pleasurable.
- Major change in weight (gain or loss or more that 5% of weight within a month ) or appetite.
- Insominia or excessive sleep almost everyday.
- Being physically restless or rundown in a way that is noticeable in others.
- Fatigue or loss of energy almost everyday.
- Problems with cocentration or making decisions almost everyday.
- Recurring thoights of death or suicide, suicide plan or suicide attempt.
I do take medications now that help me with day to day life, not only the depression but the other illnesses that i have, there are sone real difficuties i have daced and some really deep times in my life with the chronic depression but this is just a touch of that because some of it, i can't even talk about anymore to anyone or share online it's locked away and it was so miserable so difficult to deal with at the time and just sharing those times with you all would honestly just take me back to that hard time and it's not something i want to re-visit, it's times i want to forget, if i can. The post is to raise awareness, fight the stigma that sadly is around and a part of mental health.
If any of this post has caused upset or you've read this and related, please i cannot stress the importance of seeking help and talking up. you're not alone and there really is a lot of help and someone there to walk you through and help you, please seek that help.
It means the world to me that you have took time out of your day to read my post, thanks again, until next time, Amy. Xx
Like my panic attack post I composed, again - I knew I wanted to share my story involving depression as hard and daunting task this may be, I have personally found how helpful and just how much a weight is lifted when a problem is shared, I know how helpful I found stories, posts and even watching people speak about anxiety and depression - this gave me so much hope and really helped to widen my eyes to what these illnesses are and what they can involve - i'd just like to quickly say, this is very hard for me to confess, it takes a lot of confidence and strength to share things like this as it's so personal - knowing that this is something I feel can often be overlooked, judged and hard to understand it is something I know a lot of people have faced, do face on a regular day to day basis and know someone who has gone through this if that being a friend, a member of your family or you, yourself personally - Even if this helps just one person, that's my job done to be honest, I have to admit having heard of such an amazing talented man stolen away from this, depression can effect us all - it can happen to those you love, friends, nans - everyone.
I don't feel like depression, anxiety and panic attacks or any mental health issues are spoken about enough, i'm not ashamed to admit that I've had depression nor am I ashamed to say I have had panic attacks, I do get them and I do have anxiety, I probably will still get panic attacks for the rest of my life, I've accepted that.
I really feel like when this is shared, it's so lovely when you can relate, be there for someone who has suffered or does suffer with the same mental illnesses as you - it really restores my faith in the human population when everyone comes together in times of need to help, offer support and even show an understanding into what mental illnesses really are and how people like myself are faced with on a daily basis of their life's and the impact it can have on someone's life - as I have already said, I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but this is incredibly personal as I will be sharing my story involving this subject.
It's something that really honestly pulls on my heart strings and i'm now in a place where i can share my mental illness, or illnesses i should say - i have over read this post again and again in my head to try and make some form of sense about something that is so important and did become such a big part of life.
Believe it or not, the word ' Depression' is used on an every day basis, people can often say ' i'm depressed' but what they probably mean is i'm fed up, upset because they've failed an exam, had a row or lost their job. Up's and down's in my opinion are what makes us human, it's common and very normal to have those feelings and most people can recover from this, pick themselves up. Depression however, it isn't that easy - your mood is affected, your low and you feel low and other symptoms occur everyday for at least two-weeks or more. This, can become that severe that it can affect everyday life, day to day activities and you as a person, 1 - 4 adults suffer with this and any other mental illness, however i really find there to be a lacking in system of support, advice and all these things that a person needs.
epression & Myself: Leading up to when I was actually diagnosed from my doctor, saying I had depression or that I was in-fact depressed - I was having a lot of trouble with anxiety, I was getting panic attacks on the regular, pretty much every other day. I hadn't been in the job I was in around this time for too long, decent enough, I had a particular tough day as I had been up super early. Now, I don't know if it were the same shifts worked on a pattern for three days or that they were early ones or what caused this, I had the most horrific panic attack to date, i'd still rate this as my worst if not one of. It was absolutely awful, people were panicking around me and I was just so scared, after this horrible event was over. Hours later I felt so withdrawn, so tired, lacking energy but I felt different from how i'd normally feel after one.
Days after I was due back into work, I then suffered another panic attack - this was it for me, I was so withdrawn, I barely ate - I then began to feel too scared to return back to work, ashamed and embarrassed I figured i'd be judged, hated and picked on for what had happened, the rumours made this a hell for me to return, I suffered with finding the easiest of everyday tasks hard, like getting out of bed to dressing myself I was too scared to be alone, I needed someone with me always, I just couldn't bare to be left on my own. It began to get a lot harder, I didn't eat I couldn't sleep I spent most days lead in bed crying into my partners arms or my mothers, they took me to doctors where I had to fill out a form in which I won't go into too much detail with some of the questions, as it frankly still shocks me with some of the answers I gave. I had lost two stone, I was tired, I was so withdrawn, i had this constant headache that just never left, I've always been quite this shy person to be honest so talking about how i felt was bloody difficult, i remember just nodding or my boyfriend doing the talking for me, depression is very hard to deal with, it takes control of your mind and body, it's an unbelievable hard thing to overcome and it does still life's - sadly, i dread to say but i'm sharing my truths, it might of taken mine too if i hadn't had such an amazing doctor, partner and mother who held my hand every step and helped me to fight this, i spent most of time of course with my partner who took time out of his world, his job to be there for me 100%, twenty four seven.
There's no shame in needing help, i needed the medication to help me as i was too weak to fight such a thing alone, i don't find this anything for me to feel ashamed about, without it i'd of not done it. - I did find the pills very high as sadly i needed a high dosage, they did make me worse as most tablets tend to do and most of the time i felt like i was in a bubble, floating around feeling unimportant and useless, isolated but as much as i wanted to be i was never left alone, i did eventually overcome this sadly, not everyone can. It took me a good year and the odd month to fully feel like i can venture out on my own, deal with life again and to feel safe and happy in myself, when i was told had it i felt nothing, now i feel everything.
I can't stress enough how important talking about things really is, sharing and crying - get it out of your system. I held so much inside and eventually i just burst, like a walking time bomb. If you ever feel like you may have this, make a doctors appointment and honestly, remember you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, you'll be so amazed at what you can overcome - if i need to talk, if i'm upset i do exactly i'll cry, nower days i'm that girl, i'm a crier. I even remember the doctors telling me how good this is for your body, if you need to let go of emotions, do exactly that, if any of you, anyone. Ever needs to talk, i'd happily listen to you, it's OK to talk about this.
I did find some links myself when i faced this journey that helped:
Mind
You Tube
Time To Change
If you'd like to see what I've to say about panic attacks and anxiety here's that post Panic Attacks - My email is aimzyoakley98@gmail, so if you ever need to talk don't hold back, love you lovelies, remember you're normal, it's OK to talk xoxo
