I can remember my hopeless and sad feelings around the ages of thirteen/fourteen that's when my other illnesses started to arrise. I remember this being a particuarly a harder time in general anyway because unfortunately i was unlucky at school, i was bullied quite heavily. I think that's what may have caused this, my home life and the friends i had around this period, i still have them now and this time was amazing. But that sadness was there because of the bullying. The school life and the bullying and the other illnesses were a step out of life for me, luckily i did have amazing friends and if i'm honest with you, the depression wasn't diagnosed then and i didn't take any forms of medications and because of the other illnesses which of course i didn't know what these were at the time and because of all of these of the events happening i didn't have tghe foggiest idea it was that.
When the bullying was at it's worst, i was also suffering quite badly and heavily with chronic panic attacks and severe hempligeic migraines, again, i wasn't taking anything for these at the time, i was just merely coping. I felt my darker days here and there honestly, was days i'd miss weeks of school because my parents could not get me out my bed or my bedroom. I felt like i was loosing control and i felt so ailenated, i had my friends and i did see them, they did help. I didn't want to be at school, school for me was the problem, this was my hell. My living hell that i didn't want to be a part of. It did upset me though because i loved school, i'm intelligent and i'm fairly smart and i hit good grades and i wanted to go as far as i could but i lacked the grades, i'm making up for that now because i'm going to be re-studying them and making my career and my goals a living. It was such a hard time, i remember being felt with such unhappiness, to which does upset me when i really do think about it because your school life is your time, to develop as a person, to learn and to be who you want to be and this is a time i can never get back, i feel these bullies and this depression which is partly down to the bullies as well as the other illnesses but the bullies cost me these opportunities.
Depression, for me is stages. It's events, it's thoughts, it's feelings, it's symptoms. It's a real mix opf things and it'a not always just one think you feel, you can feel these things at mutiple times all of all them together. It's absolutely draining and it's really exhausting. It's definitley one of them things that's truly hard to describe and there are days where i feel so muddled up that i'm not even convinced what it is that i'm honestly feeling. It's like i'm here, but i'm not. Like someones cares but you feel like they don't. Like you belong somewhere but you feel like you dont belong anywhere. Life-long depression as scary as that sounds also refered to as (Mild, Chronic Depression) or Dysthymia it is very much a thing. This is something that i have been battling and suffering with since my teens. I still have this now, i take medications and you know what this is totally okay. I do really believe mine is triggered my events throughout my life, particuarly harder points or when times have been hard or when the colder weather strikes. I now, have an amazing doctor that has truly helped me but a lot of dr's like mine, arent sure what causes this, genes potentially.
I self harmed in my teens, not badly so i dont have scars but i did, it was a way of coping. I had so much going on at that period in my life that i didnt have any medications and i felt that really was my only escape, my friends knew something was wrong but as i said i had no idea what was happening to me so it wasnt like i was able to explain this to them. It really was like i had loss all control of my life and of my body. I have gained weight and i'm now in control of that, i carry my weight well and i'd not say i was big, heavy or any of these things not that theres anything wrong with this at all and perfectly normal within depression but i do feel it's one of my main factors and it does trigger the depression, combined with the anxiety, the weight bothers me a lot. Not that you're defined by your size and not that loosing the weight i have gained, i'm more uncomfortable than anything. But i do feel this will help me to feel better and will improve my health and well being.
The NHS, Mind, Samaritains have been so helpful and god sent when i have been in my darkest days and i would highly sugest them to anyone that asks or just needs some peace of mind. You're not alone and it's the hardest thing i think i have ever had to and still do have to face on an everyday basis but there is so much help right at your fingertips. I remember when we first saught help at the NHS and i was fourteen and it was absolutely useless, honestly. I really praise the NHS and we'd all be so lost without the service but now, there is so much help for mental health. I can't stress enough the importance of talking to someone, it's really helped me.
What are the signs and symptoms of Dysthimia?
- Sadness or depressed mood most of the day or almost everyday.
- Loss of enjoyment in things that were once pleasurable.
- Major change in weight (gain or loss or more that 5% of weight within a month ) or appetite.
- Insominia or excessive sleep almost everyday.
- Being physically restless or rundown in a way that is noticeable in others.
- Fatigue or loss of energy almost everyday.
- Problems with cocentration or making decisions almost everyday.
- Recurring thoights of death or suicide, suicide plan or suicide attempt.
I do take medications now that help me with day to day life, not only the depression but the other illnesses that i have, there are sone real difficuties i have daced and some really deep times in my life with the chronic depression but this is just a touch of that because some of it, i can't even talk about anymore to anyone or share online it's locked away and it was so miserable so difficult to deal with at the time and just sharing those times with you all would honestly just take me back to that hard time and it's not something i want to re-visit, it's times i want to forget, if i can. The post is to raise awareness, fight the stigma that sadly is around and a part of mental health.
If any of this post has caused upset or you've read this and related, please i cannot stress the importance of seeking help and talking up. you're not alone and there really is a lot of help and someone there to walk you through and help you, please seek that help.
It means the world to me that you have took time out of your day to read my post, thanks again, until next time, Amy. Xx
