Mental Health - Battling Chronic Depression Since My Teens.

I can remember my hopeless and sad feelings around the ages of thirteen/fourteen that's when my other illnesses started to arrise. I remember this being a particuarly a harder time in general anyway because unfortunately i was unlucky at school, i was bullied quite heavily. I think that's what may have caused this, my home life and the friends i had around this period, i still have them now and this time was amazing. But that sadness was there because of the bullying. The school life and the bullying and the other illnesses were a step out of life for me, luckily i did have amazing friends and if i'm honest with you, the depression wasn't diagnosed then and i didn't take any forms of medications and because of the other illnesses which of course i didn't know what these were at the time and because of all of these of the events happening i didn't have tghe foggiest idea it was that. 


When the bullying was at it's worst, i was also suffering quite badly and heavily with chronic panic attacks and severe hempligeic migraines, again, i wasn't taking anything for these at the time, i was just merely coping. I felt my darker days here and there honestly, was days i'd miss weeks of school because my parents could not get me out my bed or my bedroom. I felt like i was loosing control and i felt so ailenated, i had my friends and i did see them, they did help. I didn't want to be at school, school for me was the problem, this was my hell. My living hell that i didn't want to be a part of. It did upset me though because i loved school, i'm intelligent and i'm fairly smart and i hit good grades and i wanted to go as far as i could but i lacked the grades, i'm making up for that now because i'm going to be re-studying them and making my career and my goals a living. It was such a hard time, i remember being felt with such unhappiness, to which does upset me when i really do think about it because your school life is your time, to develop as a person, to learn and to be who you want to be and this is a time i can never get back, i feel these bullies and this depression which is partly down to the bullies as well as the other illnesses but the bullies cost me these opportunities. 


Depression, for me is stages. It's events, it's thoughts, it's feelings, it's symptoms. It's a real mix opf things and it'a not always just one think you feel, you can feel these things at mutiple times all of all them together. It's absolutely draining and it's really exhausting. It's definitley one of them things that's truly hard to describe and there are days where i feel so muddled up that i'm not even convinced what it is that i'm honestly feeling. It's like i'm here, but i'm not. Like someones cares but you feel like they don't. Like you belong somewhere but you feel like you dont belong anywhere. Life-long depression as scary as that sounds also refered to as (Mild, Chronic Depression) or Dysthymia it is very much a thing. This is something that i have been battling and suffering with since my teens. I still have this now, i take medications and you know what this is totally okay. I do really believe mine is triggered my events throughout my life, particuarly harder points or when times have been hard or when the colder weather strikes. I now, have an amazing doctor that has truly helped me but a lot of dr's like mine, arent sure what causes this, genes potentially. 


I self harmed in my teens, not badly so i dont have scars but i did, it was a way of coping. I had so much going on at that period in my life that i didnt have any medications and i felt that really was my only escape, my friends knew something was wrong but as i said i had no idea what was happening to me so it wasnt like i was able to explain this to them. It really was like i had loss all control of my life and of my body. I have gained weight and i'm now in control of that, i carry my weight well and i'd not say i was big, heavy or any of these things not that theres anything wrong with this at all and perfectly normal within depression but i do feel it's one of my main factors and it does trigger the depression, combined with the anxiety, the weight bothers me a lot. Not that you're defined by your size and not that loosing the weight i have gained, i'm more uncomfortable than anything. But i do feel this will help me to feel better and will improve my health and well being. 


The NHS, Mind, Samaritains have been so helpful and god sent when i have been in my darkest days and i would highly sugest them to anyone that asks or just needs some peace of mind. You're not alone and it's the hardest thing i think i have ever had to and still do have to face on an everyday basis but there is so much help right at your fingertips.  I remember when we first saught help at the NHS and i was fourteen and it was absolutely useless, honestly. I really praise the NHS and we'd all be so lost without the service but now, there is so much help for mental health. I can't stress enough the importance of talking to someone, it's really helped me.


What are the signs and symptoms of Dysthimia? 

• Sadness or depressed mood most of the day or almost everyday. 
• Loss of enjoyment in things that were once pleasurable. 
• Major change in weight (gain or loss or more that 5% of weight within a month ) or appetite. 
• Insominia or excessive sleep almost everyday.
• Being physically restless or rundown in a way that is noticeable in others.
• Fatigue or loss of energy almost everyday.
• Problems with cocentration or making decisions almost everyday. 
• Recurring thoights of death or suicide, suicide plan or suicide attempt.  

I do take medications now that help me with day to day life, not only the depression but the other illnesses that i have, there are sone real difficuties i have daced and some really deep times in my life with the chronic depression but this is just a touch of that because some of it, i can't even talk about anymore to anyone or share online it's locked away and it was so miserable so difficult to deal with at the time and just sharing those times with you all would honestly just take me back to that hard time and it's not something i want to re-visit, it's times i want to forget, if i can. The post is to raise awareness, fight the stigma that sadly is around and a part of mental health.


If any of this post has caused upset or you've read this and related, please i cannot stress the importance of seeking help and talking up. you're not alone and there really is a lot of help and someone there to walk you through and help you, please seek that help. 


It means the world to me that you have took time out of your day to read my post, thanks again, until next time, Amy. Xx


 

My Favourite Palettes.

Hey buttercups. I hope you're all doing good and the week treated you well and like myself, if you also work in customer service i hope customers were kind..Or is that my wishful thinking? Ha. I'm doing much better now, last week i had a nasty case of the tonsillitis and to top it all off a chest infection too, i think anymore time spent on the sofa or in bed may have honestly sent me gaga, i feel so much better thank goodness! I have cold left but last week i was honestly thinking about all the times i took my nose for granted and took general breathing for granted. 

I thought i'd come back with a post that i have been meaning to write for a long while and share with you, that being my all time favourite palettes. I love palettes for many reasons, just a few of them being - How fantastic they are for travelling, everything you need in one palette. I love their value i would honestly and am very happy spending £40 on a palette just because i know it's worth all the pennies in my eyes. Another reason i do of course need to add and own up too, is that i'm a big sucker for packaging. I always jump on the bandwagon late too with palettes, i'm not always one for the hype, i always buy something much later and then i end up saying to myself.. what took me so long to try this. 

I have many a favourite palette, these ones however have cut the deal and have made it easily into my all time favourites and the ones i ALWAYS reach for, the ones i always wear to work, for a night  out or for a simple day-day wearable eyeshadow look. Either ones of those up there are always also in my make up bag whenever i travel out stay at the boys - so let's start the ramble as to why i love each other of them so much. 

Too faced 

There's no denying that Too Faced have been absolutely adored not only by us bloggers but by everyone. I can't tell you how many times i went to buy the and it was always sold out. Too Faced as a brand in 2016 i fell absolutely head over heels for anyway, they're not only cruelty free but their products really cut it for me. I'm sure like most - it's honestly one of my go to brands, i know i'm able to rely on them to make fantastic products! 

Sweet Peach & Chocolate Bon Bon's. These palette's smell amazing as do all their products, the eyeshadows for me i find always to be so buttery and the quality  is never to be questioned. The shades are absolutely beautiful - I have used all these for all occasions, the peachy shades made me really step out of my comfort space because i have always been one for just browns and natural shades. I love these palettes i could not recommend them enough.

Urban Decay Naked 2 & 3 

I was honestly so so so late to the bandwagon on these, like i said i'm really honestly not one for the hype around things. I know i always use things a lot later to everyone else and the hype around something has left but that's okay for me anyway. Like Too Faced, Urban Decay tick all the boxes for me, they're too, cruelty free. I 

have used both of these palletes to death, i have used both for nights out and day-day looks, all shades are so wearable. Again like the peach palette from Too Faced, Naked 3 is very pink tone based, i loved playing with the colours, I use this one the most for when i'm going on a night out, the looks i have created have always looked stunning. 

Kat Von D Shade And Light Contour Palette

Another blogger with a love for this palette. I love Kat Von D anyway, i'm huge drawer and love her art and tattoos and i love what she stands for as i'm also a vegan so it was only right for me that i wanted to support her make up venture and purchase something. I never use to be one for contouring and i mean honestly let's be honest 2016 has been the year of contouring. It took me a little while to get the hack of it but this palette helped, the shades blend out so effortlessly, it's buttery and i sometimes find shades like these to sometimes be muddy looking and chalky. I have a full face of freckles and sometimes it can look too much. I LOVE this, i love the buttery yellow tones for highlighting too. I love using them under my eyes and they're so brightening. Such a good palette!

Make Up Revolution Dupe For Too Faced - Chocolate Palette.

This palette is amazing. The quality of the shades you'd never think it was under £10. I use this one a lot too for night out/dinner out sort of looks where i'd want to maybe wear a little more. It even smells like chocolate like the Too Faced Palette. I'd happily tell you to by the Too faced ones however honestly there are palettes just like them that are just as good. like this one. I love Make Up Revolution as a brand, they're are fantastic. 

I hope you enjoyed my favourite palettes, have you tried these? What are your favourites? 

2017 Wants, Goals & Musts & 2016 Reflection.

It really is beyond bonkers that 2017 is now amongst us and within our grasp, it honestly does feel like i was just putting the tree up with mum like two days ago and now, it's 2017 and it honestly scares the wits outta me with how fast the year really does fly by and it does also make you realise how important it is to make the most of the time you have and make sure you're making the time count for you and spending every last minute living and loving life. I hope you all had a wonderful new year and an amazing christmas with all your loved ones, i will have a boxing day sales haul and what i got for christmas post following shortly after this one, i absolutely love seeing those posts and videos as i'm extremely nosy but i did want to get this one up first as i adore these too, i love seeing people's goals for the new year and what they achieved last year, they're so inspirational and as i said, i'm nosey. 

before you read on, may i suggest a cuppa and some snacks because i am known to ramble..  I have lacked motivation and if i'm being honest i haven't been feeling like myself the last couple of weeks before christmas so i didn't really feel like blogging - but hey, we're all only human and to be honest, more than likely it's the new year but i do feel motivated. I'm feeling ready to tackle 2017 and this year will be MY year. Lets be having you 2017!

2016 Reflection/ Summed Up. 

2026 personally feel me feels as if i blinked and 12 months rolled by in the blink of an eye, this year was very up and down for me. If you wasn't aware i'm chronically poorly. I prefer the term poorly as to ill, poorly to me gives me hope of getting better. This year i was diagnosed which was amazing, emotional and a rollercoaster all at the same time, i have been poorly for a long time since my teens, it was a huge relief to finally get some answers believe me, i do intend on doing a blog post about this at some point. 

I got a new job, i finally found my feet with this i feel - trying to work and being chronically poorly isn't something i find easy, it's definately taught me a lot in terms of balance and trying to maintain a healthy, normal life in balance with an illness. it's still the most difficult thing in the world but as everyday rises this challenge is there, i hope with time it'll be come easier, we have to hope. 

I went Vegan! Again, this hasn't been easy, it's not something i took on light hearted. It's something i made a commitment too. I have struggled in some aspects such as foods i use to love before and such. I have found my feet with this now and can say overall as i have embarked on this journey, i have become a more compassionate person and has overall made me more spritual, more loving and happier. It's really powerful and it's by far one of the best things i have ever done - i'm now one year meat/diary free. 

Myself, personally this year in many ways. I have found my mental health has been tested, hugely. It's been a tough year in a lot of ways and areas i'm thankful however because it's challenged me and there are times admitely where i've almost thrown the towel in and thought 'I can't do this' But i have pushed through and i'm glad i have. It's cost me a lot where Anxiety has held me back but in others it's also sparked me to enjoy life. 

Friendship.  I have lost this year with friendships but i have also gained many too and i have also found myself getting in touch with friends that i have had before but we didn't talk a lot or hadn't spoken in a long time. It's taught me a lot about chasing and making the effort and what meaning of friendship truly is and what it means to be someones friend. 

Luna, this year i got a puppy! She's no longer a puppy but she's so dinky and cute i do often still think of her that way. What an amazing adventure having her has been! I regret nothing with getting her, in fact i think i may become a crazy dog lady. Luna is my best friend and she too, has helped to make me into the person i believe i have came throughout the year. 

2017 Goals / Resolutions & Musts!

Looking After Myself / Putting ME first.  This is a very important one for me, the type of person that i am (not that there is anything wrong with this) but i love seeing everyone happy, if everyone else is happy that makes me happy in return but i do find, sometimes i will base everything on this and it's about time i start thinking of my own happiness and really think of me before, be a little selfish in terms of i. Myself needs to come first more, with everything i do, in all aspects of life. I need to really learn to say no and not worry about the outcome of this, i do too much sometimes and suffer.

I want to look after myself properly, i want to eat healthier, look after myself better, take care of number one and tone top these thighs, stay away from the sugar Amy!

Illnesses/ Seeking Proper Help & Sorting These.  Again, something very important. I'm going to seek help for my Anxiety, i know it can't be gone forever but i can learn to manage it and stop this from holding me back so much so i can live life to how i want to live it and how it should be lived. In terms of pain i want to seek help with learning to cope with this or finding other methods instead of medications.

Hobbies / College & Studying. It took me the longest jouney after leaving school of knowing what it was i wanted to do or who i wanted to be. What career path was for me, i had subjects etc that i loved but i really needed to live life and experience and grow into the person i am today, before knowing all of this. I know now, i fully intend on studying again and for a long time too my illnesses held me back, not this year, this year will be my year. 

I also want to spend more time with my hobbies, embracing them. I do have talents and i need to embrace those and spend more time embarking on them & Blogging more. 

Here's a collection of my favourite photos from 2016. 

Adventures / More Plans With Family & Friends. I really want this year to be about this, I want more plans for me and my friends. Even if that's just being spent having a few wines in a pub or brief meetings for coffee. After, loosing my Nan it taught me a lot about just how precious it is to be amongst your loved ones and be with them. 

I also want this year to be filled with lots of adventures and that does include seeing the world - no anxiety holding me back this time!

Here goes to 2017!